We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
