I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
