Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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