oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
