we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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