I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
