she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
