guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
