I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
