I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
That's how pantless uber rides happen
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
