I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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