You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
