Can i not drive my cunt home
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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