Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
