I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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