I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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