Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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