my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
