Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Randomize
