yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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