it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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