Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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