You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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