You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
