You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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