God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
