I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
