Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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