I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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