on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
