Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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