I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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