So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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