Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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