your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
