he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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