My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
