Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Randomize
