My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
