I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
