hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
