fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
