you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
