i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
