i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
We need to get me chipped asap
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
