OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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