not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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