tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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