I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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