Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
